Rape Recovery | Teresa Lauer, MA, LMHC

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Articles by Teresa

A Spirit to Survive

Do you want to know what it really takes to survive rape? What a victim, just like you, does when the flashbacks and nightmares hit? What she does when it seems that’s all she can think about? And how she handles it in the dark of night when fear just seems to come from nowhere?

I did too because I knew that’s that how I was going to be able to survive and find my way – by learning from other women who had been there.

I’ll in awe of the human spirit; of the desire to find mental health and balance and of the work that women are able and willing to do to recover. But you and I know recovery doesn’t come easy, it’s work and patience and more work!

And it’s more circular than linear. You may find yourself feeling healthy and strong one day and experience a flashback the next and that only seems to undermine your confidence in the work you’ve done. confidence in the work that’s been done and for that reason I’m highlighting those who are at all stages in their recovery process allowing you to learn from those who have been there.

When we first met, Maggie was about seven months into her therapy. I’ve included both an passage from an interview I had with her for my book, The Truth About Rape, regarding triggers and a conversation we had recently when we sat down to talk

A smell, a sound, even a color – I’ve learned that these are all considered “triggers” of the rape. A trigger is anything that reminds you of the rape and brings up feelings and emotions. It was a smell for me as well that “triggered” the incredibly angry, hostile mood. The man who raped me had the smell of paint and sweat on him and for months I reacted when I smelled it without even realizing its origin. When I became more aware through therapy of when I was experiencing these feelings I was able to trace it back to the rape; I was surprised that my subconscious was so attuned and that I experienced this behavior even before I consciously become aware of it. There are ways to cope with triggers, both before they occur and during but they are terrifying. Just giving a word to it made me feel better though and feel as if I wasn’t crazy. – Maggie, 28

Teresa:
      Maggie, it’s so nice to speak with you again; are you still in therapy?

Maggie:
      I’m happy to say that no, I’m not still in therapy. I saw my therapist for about a year all together, so about another five months after the interview for the book.

Teresa:
      Your therapy progressed quite well?

Maggie:
      I won’t lie. It was tough going; actually, right after we spoke I felt as if everything had ground to a halt. I was working so diligently, doing the homework that my therapist gave me, working on changing my reactions to these things that came up in everyday life, just doing a lot of work. I’d try to be prepared when I went to my appointment because I was afraid of losing ground or, well, maybe if I let up at all that I would slide back. I brought, I suppose, my intensity of having to be perfect into the therapy room, but in any case I felt as if nothing I did was right. I even started to lose that connection that I’d had with my therapist.

Teresa:
      What happened to make you feel as if you lost that connection?

Maggie:
      I hate to frame it this way but it felt as if my therapist lost interest in me. He seemed bored with the same old problems I was bringing to him. I didn’t seem to be moving forward. And, I started to get irritated with him. One day we had a huge blow-up, something I never do in “real” life. My anger just poured out at him and right after, I must say I felt guilty unloading all of that anger, all of that hostility on him. It was a huge turning point for me and really facilitated my moving forward.

Teresa:
      How so?

Maggie:
      I had long, very deep talks with him from that point on and came to realize that he was pushing me to feel that anger; pushing those buttons that he knew would get me to begin working on myself again. My anger following the rape was deep and secret; I never let it show. I was frightened of it really. What if I got really angry and then I just lost it? I felt as if I could really hurt someone. My anger scared me more than anything, and the more I felt it the more scared of it I became. In fact, he had been trying, I realized in retrospect, for a number of sessions prior to this one, to get me to express that anger in subtle ways: “How do you feel … aren’t you angry … what do you feel when?” – all these questions that I just didn’t want to address because of that anger. I began to see all the times that anger was seething beneath the surface.

Teresa:
      Like?

Maggie:
      Well one thing that really bothered me, really got under my skin, was when someone would complain about something seemingly innocuous – a slight, or a hurt that they had experienced. I’d sit and listen to my friends or family and they’d go on and on about something and I’d nod but inside I was screaming! “Do you know what I’ve just been through?” I wanted to ask them. “Where’s your compassion for me?” “Why are we talking about your boss and how you hate him when I’m dying inside?”.

      When I realized that what I needed, what I so desired, was compassion for myself – it was a huge insight for me. I had to have compassion for myself; I couldn’t count on anyone else to have it for me! That was huge! And you know what? I developed that compassion over the next months with my therapist through really listening to what I wanted, what I needed.

Teresa:
      So how did it affect times like that with your friends and family?

Maggie:
      It really did change my relationship with them. When I felt they were being insensitive to my needs, I just said very plainly, I’m sorry, I just have my own things that I’m thinking about now. I can’t listen to you talking about how badly your boss treated you when it’s difficult for me right now. I tried to be very straightforward, not hurt their feelings, but now allow my feelings to take a back seat either. It’s not that I love them any less, I just needed to protect myself and becoming aware of how to do that was vital for me.

Teresa:
      What was their reaction?

Maggie:
      At first it was uncomfortable. Some told me that they didn’t know I was hurting, that I hid my feelings so well that they felt I was “over it”. And as you know, women don’t “get over” something like this, but they just didn’t realize. And others told me that they felt uncomfortable talking about it and seeing me cry. They felt uncomfortable with my vulnerability and as a result, I really don’t see those friends much anymore. I don’t need someone in my life where I’m always the one with the shoulder to lean on. I need those that I can count on to help me in difficult times. That’s friendship – that’s how love and intimacy develops between two people.

      I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t expect everyone to drop everything and tend to me, but by the same token, I want my feelings to be considered as well. When I’m hurting and in pain, I need support and understanding like anyone. This change in my thinking and behavior went beyond the pain of the rape; it really was a change in something that had plagued me for years.

Teresa:
      And so the key to getting what you need?

Maggie:
      It’s surprising simple. Tell people what you need from them. But first, you have to know yourself how you feel. That’s the first step isn’t it?

Teresa:
      It really is. As women, I think we’re conditioned to put others needs ahead of our own and so the act of stating what we need is foreign – feels uncomfortable almost.

Maggie:
      That’s so true, but so important. Actually, I feel like a better friend, a better sister, and a better girlfriend now, because when I listen, I’m really listening. When I state how I feel, I’m real with them. People, well, those worthy of our time, will usually help if you give them the opportunity.

Teresa:
      So how are you doing at this point in time?

Maggie:
      I learned a great deal in therapy but I think I learned even more since I terminated through continued work I’ve done with my boyfriend, my friends and my family. I learned to look at how I was reacting to things, how I was participating in my own downfall a number of times. And what I need to get better. I still remember the rape of course. I moved out of my apartment complex and there are times when I’ll have an occasional nightmare but I’m feeling like there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure that anyone really ever forgets, do you?

Teresa:
      No, I don’t think you forget you just integrate it into who you are at this moment. Thank you so much Maggie for sharing your time and insight; I greatly appreciate it and wish you continued success in your recovery.

Teresa Lauer, MA, LMHC, www.TeresaLauer.com is a behavioral therapist and consultant specializing in rape recovery and related issues and is founder of www.RapeRecovery.com. She is the author of five books, numerous articles and creator of a series of videos on rape and recovery. She lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her husband, Phil.